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According to experts, approximately 70 percent of teens, slightly older than your son, have come across pornographic sites on the Internet. It’s relatively easy to do, especially because there are more than 500,000 of them.

It is terrific that you would like to talk with your son, because most young people who look at these sites do so out of curiosity about sex. And as his parent you can give him more accurate and realistic information about sex than any pornographic website can. So this may be the perfect opportunity to let him know he can come to you with his questions and concerns — which is exactly what you want to do!

However, you may have a difficult time of it if he feels you have invaded his privacy by checking on his online habits. You may want to consider what his expectations of privacy are before you tell him you’ve been checking up on him. You will also have to decide, in advance, how you will respond if he demands that you allow him his privacy — online and in his sex life. If you decide against telling him that you’ve checked up on him, you can bring the subject up another way.

Supposing that you decide to tell your son that you know he has visited pornographic websites, begin by being straightforward. Say something such as: “I don’t want you to be embarrassed, but I want to talk with you about something you’ve been looking at online. I know you’ve visited some porn sites …”

Let him know you are not upset or angry, but that you do want to talk with him about it. You may want to ask him some questions: why did he visit these sites? what did he see there? and how did he feel about what he saw? But don’t be surprised if he’s shy about answering. It’s really important to listen to what he has to say. You can also ask him if he has any questions he’d like to ask you about what he saw.

You may also want to address the fact that pornography doesn’t represent reality. It’s sexually arousing imagery that many people like to look at alone or with a partner as a part of sex play. But it often does not reflect sexual activity in a realistic way. For example, the actors’ body types usually do not resemble the average person’s. Also, there is typically very little conversation between sex partners, when the truth is that sex can be awkward and always requires open communication. Furthermore, very often the actors in porn do not appear to use birth control or safer sex practices, like using condoms.

Based on your discussion about pornography, you can also begin to talk with your son about how choosing to have sex is a big decision. There is a lot to consider. Talk about the risks involved with sexual activity. For example, there are physical risks, such as sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy. Discuss the emotional risks, too, including how sex can make some people feel vulnerable. These are only some of the considerations that pornography doesn’t address.

In addition, if you feel you need to create rules for your son’s Internet use, then talk with him about that. Perhaps you might ask him to limit the amount of time he spends online and/or restrict the types of sites he is allowed to visit. But also be sure to give an explanation of why you want to establish these rules, and be sure to listen to his feelings about it.

The objective here is to let your son know that he can come to you and discuss anything. But remember that he may have questions or concerns that he’s too shy or embarrassed to bring up himself. So, from time to time you might want to ask your son if he has anything he wants to talk about.

Of course, you can have all kinds of worthwhile conversations about sex and sexuality with your son without talking directly about his use of pornography. You will have to decide how important it is that he know you know about this private part of his life. You will have to use your best judgment to decide what’s best to keep avenues of communication open between you and your son.


According to experts, approximately 70 percent of teens, slightly older than your son, have come across pornographic sites on the Internet. It’s relatively easy to do, especially because there are more than 500,000 of them. It is terrific that you would like to talk with your son, because most young people who look at these sites do so out of curiosity about sex. And as his parent you can give him more accurate and realistic information about sex than any pornographic website can. So this may be the perfect opportunity to let him know he can come to you with his questions and concerns — which is exactly what you want to do! However, you may have a difficult time of it if he feels you have invaded his privacy by checking on his online habits. You may want to consider what his expectations of privacy are before you tell him you’ve been checking up on him. You will also have to decide, in advance, how you will respond if he demands that you allow him his privacy — online and in his sex life. If you decide against telling him that you’ve checked up on him, you can bring the subject up another way. Supposing that you decide to tell your son that you know he has visited pornographic websites, begin by being straightforward. Say something such as: “I don’t want you to be embarrassed, but I want to talk with you about something you’ve been looking at online. I know you’ve visited some porn sites …” Let him know you are not upset or angry, but that you do want to talk with him about it. You may want to ask him some questions: why did he visit these sites? what did he see there? and how did he feel about what he saw? But don’t be surprised if he’s shy about answering. It’s really important to listen to what he has to say. You can also ask him if he has any questions he’d like to ask you about what he saw. You may also want to address the fact that pornography doesn’t represent reality. It’s sexually arousing imagery that many people like to look at alone or with a partner as a part of sex play. But it often does not reflect sexual activity in a realistic way. For example, the actors’ body types usually do not resemble the average person’s. Also, there is typically very little conversation between sex partners, when the truth is that sex can be awkward and always requires open communication. Furthermore, very often the actors in porn do not appear to use birth control or safer sex practices, like using condoms. Based on your discussion about pornography, you can also begin to talk with your son about how choosing to have sex is a big decision. There is a lot to consider. Talk about the risks involved with sexual activity. For example, there are physical risks, such as sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy. Discuss the emotional risks, too, including how sex can make some people feel vulnerable. These are only some of the considerations that pornography doesn’t address. In addition, if you feel you need to create rules for your son’s Internet use, then talk with him about that. Perhaps you might ask him to limit the amount of time he spends online and/or restrict the types of sites he is allowed to visit. But also be sure to give an explanation of why you want to establish these rules, and be sure to listen to his feelings about it. The objective here is to let your son know that he can come to you and discuss anything. But remember that he may have questions or concerns that he’s too shy or embarrassed to bring up himself. So, from time to time you might want to ask your son if he has anything he wants to talk about. Of course, you can have all kinds of worthwhile conversations about sex and sexuality with your son without talking directly about his use of pornography. You will have to decide how important it is that he know you know about this private part of his life. You will have to use your best judgment to decide what’s best to keep avenues of communication open between you and your son.		The biggest problem you're bound to encounter with this situation is not just embarrassment, but the issue of privacy and respect for everyone's "personal space." If you confront your son, there's a good possibility the pathway towards communication will be blocked immediately because this was something he was doing in private, and you have "intruded" on his privacy. What is key in this situation is simply allowing the avenue of discussion to be opened. Make sure that you can find a way to approach the situation without shutting off the conversation on his end, otherwise you may not have the talk that you're desiring; you may end up arguing about privacy and boundaries and not get to your initial concerns for some time. To find a way to approach the actual conversation is a difficult problem you're going to face. An easy way might be to discuss what you "overheard on the news" or something along those lines. Allowing the topic to come up in casual conversation may be the easiest way you can find, because that way you're already in a dialogue and don't have to deal with the awkwardness of sitting your son down to discuss his use of porn with him, which may be just as awkward, if not more, for him than it will be for you. You could try to sit him down and talk about his use of pornography — it'll be rough, and he will probably be embarrassed, but as long as you have created over time a comfortable enough environment that you can assure him this isn't the worst thing he's ever talked about, he may eventually overcome that embarrassment and be able to talk more openly with you, or at least a little more openly.