My daughter told me that she and her boyfriend have decided that they are ready to have sex. She asked me if I would make a doctor's appointment so that she can get birth control pills. We had a long talk about all that will change with this new decision, but she feels sure this is what they want to do. I am happy that she feels that she can come to me, but I am scared to death about following through. I told her this morning that if I take her, I want her boyfriend to go also. I told her that I think he needs to be part of the process. I was wondering if you have any pre-sex talks that you give teen couples before they take this big leap? Thanks.


From the Expert From the Teen Expert
It is terrific that your daughter feels comfortable enough to talk with you about her decision to have sex.  It is also completely normal that you have some fears about her choice — deciding when to have sex is a big decision, and there is a lot to consider, including the emotional and physical risks that are part of taking this step.

It sounds as though you and she have already begun talking about some of these things, and now you would like to include her boyfriend in the discussion.  To begin, you may be feeling nervous — that's okay.  Your daughter and her boyfriend are probably nervous, too!  So you may want to break the ice with something like, "I'm a little nervous right now, and you may be too, but I would like to talk about this because I care about you both …" 

There are a number of issues that your child and her partner will need to consider.  It would be helpful for them to think about and respond to questions such as

  • Do they know how to protect themselves and each other from unintended pregnancy with birth control and sexually transmitted infection with safer sex?
  • Are they are emotionally and financially ready to accept the unintended consequences — pregnancy or infection?
  • Will having sex make them feel differently about themselves or their relationship?
  • How clear they can be with each other about what they do and don't want to happen?
  • What do each of them want out of their relationship?
  • Do they know what each other want out of it?

You and your daughter are lucky to have such an open relationship.  It is great that you are supportive of her choices and are willing to help her be responsible by going to a family planning center.  To find out what kinds of programs for young people are available or to make an appointment with your nearest Planned Parenthood health center, call toll-free 1-800-230-PLAN.
I think what a parent in this position needs to realize is that they don't need to be angry or scared. Your daughter has been mature enough to come to you and ask for your support in growing up and getting protection for safer sex. She could've just gotten condoms or had unprotected sex — but she took it upon her mature self to talk it through with you. This shows she has weighed the risks and consequences and is coming to you for help. The only thing left to do now is to trust her. Make sure if she is on pills that she takes them on schedule, you may even make a schedule in a notebook and give it to her. This will show her that you do trust her and you support her in her decision. This will also show her that she can come to you with any problems because you aren't yelling at her or preaching at her to abstain. Any other pre-sex talk you can have could be about ways to have healthier, more satisfying sexual experiences — tell her its okay to explore safely.

EXPERT'S NOTE ON TEEN RESPONSE
Our teen expert self-confidently asks Mom to appreciate her daughter's maturity. But imbedded in her response is a signal that teens still need guidance, however mature they may be. She asks Mom to accept her daughter's decision to take the pill, but to "Make sure if [her daughter] is on pills that she takes them on schedule."

As parents, we have to be careful not to dismiss our kids' growing maturity when they seem to lean on us for guidance. Teens are self-confident about their maturity and capability for independence and they still need our guidance and help at the same time. We need to be flexible for them — support their independence and guide them, however we can, within it.